aaahhhh, the first time is always scary. especially because i am a bad writer. it sucks how when you are little everyone tells you that you can be anything that you want to be, and they're right. what sucks more is generally what you have chosen not to be. i did not choose to be a writer, and therefore this is painful.
truth is, i am attempting self-therapy through a blog. i generally resist technology in most all of its forms, but its good to try everything once, right? to explain, to all of you millions of readers out there, i am horrible at opening up. that's right, cold-hearted. which wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that i am the complete opposite of cold-hearted in reality- i am cursed and feel everything. now, i am not you, but i am also not a hermit by any means, and anyone who has heard even the slightest inner workings of my heart knows that the damn thing engulfs everything in sight.
i wanted to be a doctor. i was given scholarships to be a doctor. i couldn't do it. smartest decision of my life, at least for the purpose of this story. i know i couldn't handle it. sure i would be able to save an unimaginable amount of lives, but it would be the ones i lost that would put me over the edge. not being able to help a friend sometimes makes me want to throw myself off a cliff, even in the most trivial of situations.
i feel so much that i don't know how to handle any of it, how to release any of the pressure of it. so i keep building up a wall around it. i know it doesn't work, but it's a temporary fix that won't really hurt until later when it will probably kill me.
trust issues really suck. i act as if what i am holding inside really means a damn to anyone else- i hold it inside as though anyone would ever really want it, as if i am actually depriving others of what i have. the thought of that really did just make me laugh.
so, here i am. and here it goes.
i am incredibly insecure, but hide it by playing cool. i lived the highschool life most people dream of- 3 sports, lots of friends, more sports on the side, but only a little bit of "action". truth is, being the expert that i am, i have diagnosed my father to be at the heart of my relationship trouble. nothing is ever enough for him, and he doesn't hesitate to let me know. i am just not good enough, even to the point where he would much rather have me gone all together than let him down. so, i try not to ever depend on anyone.
then i was blindsided in college- by a girl nonetheless. she was beautiful- all the boys and the girls were jealous. i was confused at first, but i am a firm believer in the fact that you cannot control your feelings. so, i fell. i think i was just a challenge for her now- i was something no one else could access or understand. and almost 4 years ensued. i was in love . she cheated and fell in love elsewhere. i tried to hold on, she used me and my love blind grip on reality.
eventually it became too much and i moved- which did not have as much affect on her as i had hoped. but it was a new town- great? not at all. i knew no one. had no one. lost everything i was familiar with, including sports. i was/am persuing a PhD in something that pretty much used to be a small hobby for me. now it was all i had. okay, i am losing myself- it's time for bed. to be continued. thank you though